Zombie Apocalypse: “Naked attacker on Miami highway was chewing man’s face, says witness”

Naked attacker on Miami highway was chewing man’s face, says witness

A witness says a naked man chewing on the face of another naked man on a Miami highway ramp kept eating and growled at a police officer who tried to stop him.


Vega flagged down a Miami police officer, who he said repeatedly ordered the attacker to get off the victim. The attacker just picked his head up and growled at the officer, Vega said.

Armando Aguilar, who heads the local chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, said he has spoken with the officer who responded, CBS Miami reports. Aguilar said the officer saw what the man was doing, and ordered him to stop. He said the man growled at the officer, and continued chewing the victim’s face.

The officer then used his service weapon and shot the man, Aguilar said, but the gunshot had no effect.

The officer then fired again, killing the attacker.

I read this story to James, who responded, “You know, the worrying part of that story is that the cop didn’t realize that was a zombie.”

“Well, there’s not a lot of detail here. Probably the reporter left out the bit where the cop was screaming, ‘Die, you bastard! Why won’t you stay dead?!’ and so forth.”

“That’s true. They also may have left out the bit where the cop shot the guy in the head first, and then thought to himself, ‘Oh, I should have fired a warning shot,’ and then shot him in the thigh,” James said.

“That’s how I would have done it,” I agreed. “I hope they thought to alert the CDC. That might not have been Patient Zero.” We paused as a flurry of sirens roared by somewhere near the house. “Hope that wasn’t a zombie call,” I said as they faded.

“That’s not funny,” Jim said.

Just in case you folks are tempted to think this is a BS story, here it is on AP, via Yahoo, USAToday, the Toronto Sun, and MSNBC. Happy Memorial Day, good luck, and remember, double-tap.

Marci Sischo

After watching her parents murdered by a mugger in a back alley, Marci Sischo grew up vowing to become the world's greatest detec -- wait, that's Batman. Theorizing that one could time travel within her own lifetime, Marci Sischo stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator -- no, no. That's Dr. Sam Beckett. Drat. Marci Sischo grew up in northern Michigan, and moved to Oregon in 2009. Yes! She's the Commuter's webmaster, pursuing a journalism degree at LBCC, and in her dwindling spare time, she's co-authoring an urban fantasy novel.

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