bark bark bark grrrrrrrrrr snarl YIP barkety bark bark grrrrrrrrrrr woof!
rrrrrrrrrowrowrow woof. chuff! Grrrrrrrr. Bark! WhineWhineWhine snarl-Bark! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
pant pant pant pant pant belch! pant pant pant pant …
This goes on for some time. Allow me to translate:
TheMarciLady went crazy, but it’s not all bad.
First she had this guy come visit, but he just wouldn’t leave. Company leaves! But not this guy. He stayed.
And then he took my spot! In the bed! Under the covers and everything?! WTF?
And the worst part was that the MarciLady thought that was fine! She had no problem with it!
At least he plays tug.
Then other guys showed up, and they started taking all my stuff!
They took my bed, and my boxes, and my blankets, and my couch… and the MarciLady and That Guy just let them!
Eventually everything was gone. The house was empty! And when I growled at the thieves, I got called a Bad Dog!
I know, right? Me? Bad? They were thieves!
I blame That Guy.
Then we had to get in the car, but my kennel was there and my food and my water and my skunk and there was Taters.
Taters on a car ride was fun.
And we drove and we drove and we drove.
The MarciLady and That Guy talked a lot, and they touched lips a lot even though I get told “No!” when I lick faces.
We drove and we drove and we drove. It was boring.
We drove for years. I’m old now, and almost my whole life was spent in the backseat being a Good Dog.
But I’m so rich now!
I got to pee on all kinds of things, and all kinds of places! And, in accordance with DogLaw, if I pee on it, it’s mine.
Wanna hear about all my stuff?
I peed on the MarciLady’s Mother’s rug. Again. It’s a good rug, and I wanted to make sure it stayed mine.
Bo got a barn. It’s wood. There are ants near it and lots of mancubs in the yard. The mancubs made me nervous and I growled at them and just in case they got any ideas about whose barn it really is I made sure to pee on it. Just a little, but it still counts. My barn now.
The MarciLady and That Guy really like those little parks alongside the big roads. RestStops. We saw a lot of them, but not all of them. I wanted to see (and pee on) all of them. I could have had the whole collection, but the MarciLady didn’t stop at all of them. Still, I got one near Lansing, MI and another one near Gary, Indiana. Mine now. The Gary one smelled a little funny, but I don’t mind. Mine.
We stopped in Morris, Illinois. That’s what That Guy called it. There was a hotel, and a PizzaHut next to it. I peed on them both. I always wanted my very own PizzaHut! When we go back there, they have to give me all the free pizza I want, because it’s my PizzaHut. I own it. I peed on it.
In Moline, Iowa, we stopped at a historic site that looked a lot like a RestStop. That guy read a plaque about how army surveyors marked it as the midpoint of a railroad line that never got built. Iowa. The whole state smelled like corn, but I didn’t see anything but hills. And they have a historic site for a thing that never happened. Well, they had it. Not anymore. Hee hee hee, ’cause I peed on it. Now it’s mine!
In Adair, Iowa, we stopped to feed the Yarrrrr-is. There was an old building nearby, that smelled like steaks! It used to be a house where people went to eat steak, steak, and steak so they call it a steakhouse. But it was closed and empty and yeah, that’s Iowa for you. Still, the place had grasshoppers and funny smells and I found a pair of camo-print panties in the alley behind the empty steakhouse so I peed on the parking lot and now it’s my used-to-be-a-steakhouse. It was a interesting place. I’m glad I own it.
We spent the night in Lincoln, Nebraska. There was another hotel, and a place the MarciLady called a FoodCourt. It was a little building that had a LOT of restaurants inside. There was ice cream and sammiches and Thai food but we didn’t get any of the Thai food but that was okay because we did get sammiches and the MarciLady and That Guy let me have some because I am a Very Good Dog! I made sure to pee on the FoodCourt and also on the hotel so we have a place to sleep when we go back for more sammiches and ice cream. Which will be soon, I think, because I am a Very Good Dog all the time and I totally deserve more sammiches.
There was a place where we got more food for the Yarrrr-is, somewhere in Nebraska. Not sure where… there’s a lot of nothing but boring smells in Nebraska. But they did have something interesting there! And did I pee on it? Yes. Yes, I did. Do you know what it was? It was a tank. I own a tank. I can has a M160 Main Battle Tank, formerly in active duty with the Nebraska National Guard but now mine. I have a tank. It has a big gun, so when other dogs try to pee on what is mine, I can tell my tank to shoot at them. It weighs a hundred and eleventeen tons and has giant metal things and I peed on it extra lots just to make sure.
In another Nebraska RestStop the MarciLady read a sign. It said we were at the 100th Meridian, whatever that means, and that we were just crossing the Aridity line. That means we were high up, where it doesn’t rain as much and farmers need to irrigate their crops because it doesn’t rain much. I knew that, because I have a Very Good Nose and I could smell the prairie. It smells kind of like the rest of Nebraska, but more dusty. I peed on it. It’s a good landmark, and lots of other dogs go there, and they’ll all smell that that place is mine. So there.
We got more Yarrrrr-is food in Paxton, Nebraska, and That Guy took me for a walk. We found an old dusty machine behind the gas station, and he said it was a parking lot zamboni. It looked like a little street sweeper to me, but zamboni was a fun word, so I peed on it. I have a zamboni!
At Elk Mountain, Wyoming, we stopped at the Northernmost tip of the Snowy Mountain range. That was great news! I peed all over that! Do you know what that means? I own the whole Snowy Mountain range! All of it! It’s trickle-down-dogonomics, according to That Guy. Because it’s at the top of the mountain range on all the maps, see, and pee trickles. See? It’s science! I own a whole mountain range! Ha! I was so happy I wagged until I fell over.
There were a few other RestStops in Wyoming. I peed on them on general principle, but they weren’t especially interesting. Windy and dry, and way, way up. We were so up that my little ears kept popping, which I didn’t like at all. Not even a little, even though popping things like balloons and bubble wrap is lots of fun it turns out not so fun at all when it’s my ears. Did I mention it was windy? The good news is that with all that wind, I got to pee on more stuff than usual. Cause of the wind. I peed in the wind…. hey!
I own the wind! Awesome!
In Utah, we stopped at a place called Echo Canyon. It had a lot of mountains, really pointy ones, all around. But no echo. I barked, and nope, no echo. There was a train, though, waaaaay down and far away below us, and that was neat. And the MarciLady and That Guy walked up on top of a hill and they were all wheezy and out of breath and I wasn’t because I am a Very Strong Doggie and I walk all the time so I didn’t get tired. I wanted to pee on the echo there, but since I couldn’t find it, I just peed on the canyon. My canyon!
We slept in Ogden, Utah, and the MarciLady said I had to praise Jesus every so often because there are Mormons there. I didn’t see a Mormon, at least I don’t think so. They sound scary, and I imagine they are really big, and scaly, and eat little dogs. We were lucky not to find any of them. We did find a very pretty pond, in a little park behind the hotel, and I peed on it. I am a very brave dog, and now the Mormons don’t have their pretty little pond anymore. Because it’s my pond now! I peed on it, and no Mormons were there to stop me, so there!
We drove through Idaho after that. Idaho was very boring. Oh, except for one thing! At some of the RestStops in Idaho, they had little dogs that lived in holes and That Guy wanted me to chase them but they were Praire Dogs and I get called a Bad Dog when I chase other dogs. Stupid That Guy. I still peed on their RestStops, though. But I didn’t pee in their holes, out of respect for the little doggies. They can keep their holes. I just wanted to add the RestStops to my collection.
We got to Ontario which sounds like it should be Canada but MarciLady said was in Oregon. She and That Guy were happy to be in Oregon and there was face licking and she still didn’t call him a Bad Dog! They read some signs about the Oregon Trail, and I got bit by a plant! That Guy said it was called a cactus and when I went to sniff at it the darn thing bit me! Bad Plant! Oregon smelled more interesting than Idaho. Or Wyoming. Or Utah. And Nebraska. I peed on the Oregon Trail. Remember Trickle-Down Dogonomics? My trail, yay!
That Guy found a restaurant in Hood River, Oregon. He was very proud of himself, and the MarciLady called him a Good Jim, even though the restaurant was closed and we didn’t get any food. It was called Egg Harbor and they seemed to really like the place even though it was closed. So I peed on their lot. It must be a good place, I figured, so I thought I’d better claim it. Maybe we’ll go back sometime when they’re open. I’d like that.
Oh, I nearly forgot the tree! I peed on this tree, that time, in that place by the thing! That was awesome!
We got to the new apartment, and the people were very excited even though there isn’t anything in the new apartment. No bed, no blankets, no chairs. It has a dog walk right next to it, and I claimed it. With my pee. A lot.
That Guy has another apartment right near the new apartment, and it has chairs and beds and things but we can’t stay there because a Bad Dog was barking. I have no idea who that was. Couldn’t be me – I’m a Very Good Dog. It was probably the cats. That Guy has cats. Two of them, and they probably barked just so I might get in trouble. They say cats don’t bark, but I SAW the one called Earl growl right at me, and he sure sounded like a dog. The one called Joy hid in the bathroom and cried because she was totally afraid of me because I am a Very Scary Dog. I win.
Now we’re in the new apartment, and MarciLady says we’re home. It doesn’t feel like home, but I’m very sleepy and tired of driving so whatever. I can pee here, there are interesting smells, and That Guy plays tug with me. It could be worse.
I just hope we don’t have to do this again when the MarciLady realizes she forgot all her stuff.
Originally written in August or September of 2009 by James Agle.