Wednesday, February 22, 2017, 3:34pm

Mensez is a stupid, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.

So, apparently this is a thing:

Mensez is a new, natural approach to feminine health. Mensez is a proprietary combination of amino acids and natural oils in a lipstick applicator. When applied to the labia minora, it creates a temporary seal to retain menstrual fluids inside until urination. The urine instantly releases the seal and everything washes away into the toilet. It’s safe and secure for the user. Mensez is based on the theory that modern bathing habits, while helpful in most respects, wash away some protective bodily compounds that previously helped control menses (as discharge from the uterus at menstruation is known). Mensez is simply a natural replacement for those compounds.

Many women (and probably other vagina-havers) on the Internet have had things to say about this idea.

First off, the dude who invented this – obviously it was a dude – is a chiropractor. Chiropractors are barely doctors to begin with and are quacks like 95% of the time anyway, and even if that weren’t true, they still wouldn’t have any particular expertise when it comes to vaginas.

Secondly, do not glue your pink bits shut. Okay? I’m not a doctor, and outside of owning one I don’t have any particular expertise when it comes to vaginas either, but I can absolutely guarantee you that gluing your bits shut is not a good plan.

Thirdly, you excrete urea, the compound in your urine that this “Mensez” crap reacts to, in your sweat. So this product isn’t even going to work right. Also, has this guy ever even seen a vagina? It’s not like labia minora are smooth surfaces. You’d be down there with this lipstick thing like a carpenter with a trowel full of spackle, trying to get a seal. JFC.

Fourthly, do not spackle your labia minora shut. Holy crap, that cannot possibly be a good idea.

Fifthly (is “fifthly” a word?), there are about a dozen different products on the market right now for dealing with periods. If you don’t like pads or tampons, try something else. You have many other healthy, safe options for period logistics.

Sixthly, and I cannot stress this enough, do not. glue. your junk. shut. Good lord, what if it didn’t come apart again and you had to go to the hospital? Then you’d have to explain to actual experts in human biology how stupid you are, out loud, in a room full of people, and when they recorded it on their phone and uploaded it to YouTube, you’d absolutely have it coming.

Seventhly, and finally, if you see this Dr. Daniel Dopps in the wild, feel free to give him such a pinch. God what a dumb idea.

But wait, where do I comment? No comments, sorry. Talk to me on Facebook or Twitter, instead.

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