Thursday, May 4, 2017, 10:00am

The Restaurant Commandments

The Restaurant Commandments

“The Restaurant Commandments” were written by one of my restaurant manager coworkers, with help from James.

The Restaurant Commandments

  1. Thou must giveth generously to those who wait upon thee, lest thy cup runneth empty and thy meat groweth cold. Long shall be thy wait, and lonely shall be thy days if thine pursestrings be tight.
  2. Thou shalt not write checks. Ever. For they are an abomination unto the cashiers and forbidden unto you as unclean things.
  3. Thou shalt not demand the discount of 10% for lo, we offereth not such unto seniors, nor verily unto any. Asketh not!
  4. Yea, we honor the Visa and Mastercard, yet cast down the Discover and the American Express unto the pit, and accept them not, for they are unworthy.
  5. Thou and thy children, and all thy generations, must don thy shoes and cover thy nakedness when thou crosseth our threshold for such is the law and it pleaseth us mightily to require this.
  6. Be thou warned that powers great and small forbid thou to bringest outside foods and beverages unto our presence, for they are not holy to us.
  7. Placeth not thy seat before the entry ways, nor shall thee clutter the walkways, neither with thineself, nor with thy belongings. Yet most assuredly thou must never place an infant in the path, lest the child come to harm.
  8. Lo, it is forbidden to enter unto the wait station, for it is sacred unto us and thou art not.
  9. Thou shalt not smoke cigars nor pipes, nor anything else which doth stink and offend. Hark! Be ye warned that it is not permitted that children might smoke.
  10. That thy days may be long upon the Earth, provoke not the servers unto tears, nor the Keeper of the Keys unto wrath, for by so doing, thou bringeth destruction down upon thy head and thou shalt perish.

This post was originally written in 2006-ish.

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